Homeward Bound

Today I am all tits n hips n ass n hairdo.  A caricature of womanhood.  It’s turning me on.  

Dental floss underwear. There is only one real point to them.   

Everyone is taking things away from me and nobody knows it.  Bob Barker shouts, COME ON DOWN and I wish.  Man, I wish.

I like that whole phrase, “come. On. Down.” It says so much.  It can mean so many things.  It can be said many fine, fine ways.  I want to hear it from the mouth of a man.

There is a large part of me that wants to try the new vodka tampon thing.  I know that says something about me.  I’m not sure what.  When I get home I am going to check if I have vodka.  I think I do and if I do I will do this thing.  The vodka tampon thing.  I want to do it because of what it is.  I want to experience a new low point.  My old low points are so every last year.   I probably won’t do it tonight though. I have important meetings to attend.  A roomful  of women, one of them a butch dyke who wears these cowboy boots.  Something about her…  I think I will sit in a closer chair to that one.  I hope she smells of leather.  I hope she looks at me twice..

Sometimes my friends are so bright it hurts to look at them and because I am an empty vessel that needs constant filling I can never get enough and things that should only normal hurt end up hurting more and why is everyone I cannot see so very beautiful? So very bright?  Sunglasses don’t help and here, take this knife, it’s sharper. 

You stab in the dark and it feels like you are hitting nothing, right? 

That’s what you think.

You are all better than me.  I am by your shoes and I can barely hear you laughing and shit.  Oh wait, now there’s piss.   It’s okay, I will play in the mud. It’s what I usually do.

How come not getting what I want is my lot in life? 

Just know that you can never hug me hard enough or long enough or tell me you love me strongly enough that I will ever let myself believe you.  Even if you scarred it on your soul, even if you bled it into your skin.  Doubt is my constant.  I know there are more important lives in everyone’s lives except mine. 

My truth is so ugly it’s hard for me to type it but typing it is about the only thing I can do.