Three Places I Have Seen xTx

(Guest Post by Casey Hannan)

1. I have seen xTx out of the corner of my eye. I remember watching one of those MTV reality shows where they go to a castle and tape stupid college kids sleeping in dungeons. The "spiritual expert" told the college kids that most ghosts manifest just out of the corner of your eye.

When I'm lying naked on my bed writing on my laptop that's sort of dirty with fingerprints, I swear my ceiling fan is a ghost/xTx. She says something about my penis and I pull up the covers and say, "Aw, Extie. Why you gotta be like that?" And then she's a ceiling fan again blowing so hard on my body hairs I think they might all come out. If I accidentally inhaled the loose hairs, I would be allergic to my own body like people who've inhaled sawdust sometimes sneeze around trees.

2. I have seen xTx at the Home Depot. I wanted to make a coffee table, so I went to the Home Depot to ask about lumber. The lumber lady was holding a 2x4 across her shoulders like she was about to go fetch water the next village over.

She said, "What do you want?"

I said, "Wood."

She said, "Duh, you want wood. What wood? My wood?"

I said, "Yes, I'll take your wood," so the lumber lady took the wood from her shoulders and placed it in my hands like it was a sacred sword. xTx's face was in the grain. I touched xTx's face and I got a splinter the size of a pencil.

The lumber lady said, "That's bad wood. I'll get you another."

I said, "This wood's fine."

She said, "No, see where it curves a little like a penis? You'll never be able to straighten that out. What I'm saying to you is xTx warps wood."

3. I have seen xTx put sandwiches in my mailbox. I confronted her about it and she said I couldn't prove it was her. She said it was squirrels, so I looked out for squirrels, but they were all up in the trees cracking nuts.

While I was watching the squirrels up in the trees, xTx put more sandwiches in my mailbox. She put a note in there too. The note said, "Ha ha. You were right. It was me. Eat up, queerdangle!"

I went over by the trees and started sneezing. When I saw xTx at the Home Depot, I inhaled a lot of sawdust and now I'm allergic to trees. Out of the corner of my eye, xTx was putting even more sandwiches in my mailbox.

I said, "Stop right there," and xTx froze in the corner of my vision where she has stayed ever since. Even the optometrist can see her when he examines my eyes, though he can't explain it. I tell him I'd prefer if he didn't try.