If someone is leaving and you are worried, what do you do? I cannot avoid a wall. This shit is going to happen whether i like it or not. I am scared. (always scared)

I know. I know what I will do. I will turn off all my switches. I don’t know if that is a possible thing, but I will try that. Oh, I will also white light everything. I will blanket them. I will blanket them all.

I keep thinking about the dead father and how huge he was, lying prone, being dragged with his giant penis. I keep seeing him before hillsides. The hillsides are green, narrow valleys, breasts against blue skies. They rest beside a tree. They set out a picnic blanket. The dead father talks nonsense. I keep thinking about this today. I think about how the dead father must've been too large to sit beside the blanket. That always bothered me.

“Whatever you do, don’t look at that old man eating nachos.”

Maybe I am thinking about the dead father because, out of everyone’s hands, I could rest safe in his. I could float along safe in the wet bowl of his palm. Sometimes a big girl just wants to feel little. Wants to feel light and breakable. A lot of the times I just want to feel like my father will make everything okay. But you leave their house and you are on your own and then another man is supposed to do that. SUPPOSED to do that. Maybe I mean my mom. Maybe I mean being six and underneath blankets rocking back and forth trying to cry without noise. Maybe being an adult is not easy. No, that is the truth. It isn’t. Nobody tells you that. You just learn it as you go.