Bad things to do. In my head and in my heart. I’m feeling sick with it. It’s a tennis match I can’t get rid of. I am every day being told I won some foreign lottery. But I don’t want to do anything about it. It feels fake or illegal. Some guy re-emailed me about advertising his fashions on my blog and he upped the price to $80 from some lower number. I remember I had deleted his first email because it sounded not real. This time I just wrote him back, “Is this real?” and he hasn’t answered me. He also had offered me a free pair of boots. He is probably not real. I’ve been having a hard time sleeping. No, I take that back, it’s just the falling asleep I am having trouble with. That’s when the thoughts come. I used to just entertain masturbatory scenarios in order to help myself fall asleep because those kept the thoughts from creeping in cuz they were good movies to watch and play pretend in. Nowadays I don’t care to make the fake scenarios because I could care less anymore. I am tired of it all. Or maybe I am just accepting. Maybe it’s more like giving up. Like when you work out every day and your thighs are still huge floppy tumors that block the sunlight from your vagina.
On Sunday there was the prettiest cake and I wanted to eat it right away but I waited. When I finally ate it, it was pretty horrible. I was like, “looks can be deceiving”. It was as if this cake had boasted of the girth of its nine inch penis and then after I got it drunk and took of its pants there was a raisin that grew to a date. Either which way, I didn’t spit it out. That would’ve been rude.
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